How can people cut a chicken’s flesh, muscle, etc and talk about their joints, breasts, legs, and whatnot AND not realize they are talking about themselves.

Mildly anxious, mildly sad for the passed week. My sister is moving (not why I’m sad but there are definitely mixed feelings here) and she is currently at her father’s so I am spending my night at her house lonesome (again) but lonesome without people. Which is a lot nicer. I’m just going to lay on the cool kitchen floor and drink wine and dislike everything but love everything all the same and count cobwebs and sing lullabies until I fall asleep.

Every since my father passed away, I feel a large part of me is missing. It’s not like we talked everyday, or saw each other every day. Nor did we truly understand each other, or talk about emotions but there was something in that..

We didn’t understand each other through words. It was in the silence late at night when you were up, perhaps drunk out of your skull, or when I was up and we couldn’t sleep because there was always so much noise and you didn’t know how to turn it off and I didn’t know how to turn it off then either.

We related without even without truly recognizing that we related. In some ways, we are both outcasts. You bottled up your emotions from endless years and tears of family losses, three brothers, a mother, a father, and multiple issues along the way, all before you even hit 50. You were outcasted in a sense: you felt you had nobody, at least family wise. I relate. I’ve always related to you, it’s my secret success in a way.

I have noticed, in my observations of people, that they were quick to jump the gun on you. They lacked compassion, sympathy, and understanding and almost completely transformed my feelings into anguish, hate, and anger. But I continuously understood, although it was hard. I knew your losses were bottled up, layers upon layers never got a light shined on them, and you continuously refilled your beer glass until you exploded.

I notice those things, and it stirs an awareness up in me. You have helped me, without even realizing it, in my transition and ascension. My experiences with you have been most prominent in my learning and I appreciate that. I will honor that.

Anyway, now it feels I am more alone than ever.. there was comfort knowing you were at home, perhaps wallowing, perhaps a feeling of emptiness, perhaps contented with life, perhaps confused, perhaps happily laughing. Your emotions were diverse, no matter how many times you tried to hide it. 

There is an awareness in my heart, a lingering and constant light that never goes out. Something you passed onto me without even realizing it, something that has helped me shape my own path, pave my way, and lead my Self to ascension.

I refuse to be a machine.

I do not comply with the machinery of the ego. I tend to be a virus to other people’s and sometimes with my own. I am my own breathe of fresh air, trying to spread that fresh air to others.

I stick out like a sore thumb and sometimes I don’t even realize this fact. In clothing, in personality, in mind. But I am not a special snowflake. I tend to get looked down upon like an elephant in a living room. I cannot comply to society’s standards and I will not. It is not ‘how it is’, it is how it was made.

How it was created by man. I do not agree, and people don’t like that. I cannot find myself able to play the fake role in society. I refuse to find myself in fake happiness.

I cannot be that unaware person anymore. I opened myself up, I allowed love in. Love cannot be denied when you truly taste it. Ego’s may arise again, but only for a short time and with much more awareness than ever before.

I have opened myself up to an infinite process and progression, a transition. A transition that is forevermore, inevitable.

The experiences I have, are not the experiences you will have. They are different but they all lead to the same place. Some will only taste it once, others will get the whole spoonful.

There is much to be weeded out in my closet and much silence to be given.

I just want to grab a winnebago/van and hit the road. Continuously travel, work at towns I visit for a week or so, save money, make tea, and peace.

holographic glitch

It’s funny because everyone seems to have me in their pocket, or in a little bell jar on their window sill. After my cousin came on Tuesday, my mom was like promise me you’ll never stretch your ears. And I said, well I already tried but everyone had an issue then so I took them out, I can’t say now whether I’ll ever do it again. And my mom was like no, you have to promise me you won’t ever do that.

As if, the world would end if I suddenly had larger ear lobes. Like the whole universe is relying on my ear lobes being teeny. I’ve forever been hassled about my opinions, my appearance, my everything. It’s annoying, and I realize that I’ve been living in a shell. Or an igloo out in Antarctica. I’ve put up a shield and now I have to denounce myself. I’ve tried being like everyone else and how everyone wants me to be and it’s been wearing me down for years. I’m talking about since childhood.

I’ve been constantly changing for years. Trying to figure out where I fit in, being influenced by others, learning about myself, hating myself, loving myself, always confused. I have conformed to my family and their ideals for me because I have never been strong enough to say Hey this is me, deal with it. Everyone has always been wrapped up in my sister’s ‘perfect’ world while I’ve always been shafted. And although everyone has now come to terms with my quirky personality, it was at a time when it was too late. Where I had already allowed myself to sink into my self, to hide away, to act weaker than I am.

I like expression of the body, in any way. It is our vessel, to do what we please with. Something that I have never been allowed to touch in anyway I’d like to. My hair has never changed color or style, my clothes were always simple, my face always untouched by piercings, and lacking any artwork on my body. My choices have never been my choices. Stuck in a bubble that I am now, after 19 years, trying to burst through.

Meditating has definitely helped me in so many ways, eating healthy has helped me in so many ways. Although constantly being brought down by those around me, I am here. There are still things that I have to work with, it all starts from the inside out.

It’s amusing to me, that everyone has always tried to stop my choices. It’s not amusing at the same time. Because it has caused a lot of identity crisis’s, anxiety, lack of soul loving, shyness, etc. Something I have to work with and learn from every day of my life. The more they push me into their decisions, the more harder it is for me. I have not yet found strength to pull myself out of this bubble, but I can see the horizon and it lies within me. It is strong and pulsating and the Universe is with me. It’s also amusing because they have put it off for a very long time, my outer appearance choices, that in the first chance I get, I will take it. It would have been easier for me to go through this at 16 rather than 19 but we digress. I hope to move away from this place, not to find anything that I can’t find here, but for a clearer more positive atmosphere.

This is my journey, this is my home, this is who I am. I am no one, and I am nothing. I am every one and I am everything. Transforming, moving, grooving, transcending, ascending, transitioning, becoming.. being.